I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
Don’t.
Okay, that could easily be misinterpreted. What I mean is don’t look for one. Live your life. Get to know yourself. Find some hobbies, start some projects, do some cool shit. Not as a resume for a relationship, just to do it and be fulfilled. You don’t need to find someone right this moment.
The worst relationship I ever had was because I was young and lonely and bored and I ended up dating someone who nearly destroyed my life and dominated everything about it. Took 5 years to get away from it. Subsequent relationships suffered, though not because my partners were awful, I just wasn’t worth dating.
At some point, I just got tired of it and “retired” from dating. I took care of myself, did things that interested me, and relaxed for a few years. Just me. I got really happy just being with myself. Then, my best friend of nearly 20 years and I ended up starting a thing nearly on accident, and now (a few years later) we’re very happily married. Absolutely would not have been possible unless I’d spent the time to figure myself out.
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)
I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.
and just like a movie.
Trainspotting, Fight Club or Requiem for a Dream?
She’s always beating the shit out of me and may not actually exist so I’ll go with Fight Club.
I’ve found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?
I use Arch BTW
Sorry, I’m only interested in serious partners. I use Gentoo.
No matter what so many people say, it’s not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn’t waste your life chasing wrong goals.I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they’re all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
It isn’t, but loneliness sucks.
Good friends are a better cure to loneliness than one person, no matter how cool they are
And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health… and if you’re seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
it’s not mandatory to have a job or a car or a house.
but the vast majority of us want those things and a life without them is pretty shitty.
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
You’re overthinking it.
As the other person said with the quote about the ship and the birds.
Throwing my personal story out there: I’ve only dated a few people ‘on purpose.’ I’ve only had one relationship that emerged from a dating app. But I’ve dated folks because I went to local geek conventions. I sparked up something casual with someone I met via a Pokémon Go-like game, who later invited me to the house of a guy she was trying to bang at the time, and I wound up dating one of his girlfriends (open relationships, no drama). Met a burlesque performer while I was helping out at a show and we dated. Met a woman through a board game night. I met this chick through an online chat, where I was actually trying not to meet anyone - I was intentionally avoiding her because she was beautiful. Apparently she dug that I was funny and didn’t try to chat her up, so she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me. (Some details have been simplified.)
The point is, you just go out, do what you enjoy. Don’t tromp through the forest looking for wildlife. Go sing in a meadow and let the rabbits, birds and deer come to you, you magnificent Disney princess.
she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me.
gyatt??? gyatt rizzler???
I don’t know what that means, but yes. To all of it.
You must have a fucking amazing ass if that was the thing that cinched it, haha. Gotta give her props to ask, though.
It’s not bad. I’m like, 5’9”, but I have a 29” inseam. I’m all torso, so I got these short legs that are pretty thick. So, I got that curvy booty.
Technically, I baited her into it. I told her I had just sent butt pictures for a friend - explaining that it was a quirk of our otherwise normal friendship (my friend and I had quasi dated for awhile until she moved out of state, and she liked my butt).
My now-wife said I should send her photos next time I took some. I sent my butt, she sent her butt, and somehow we wound up with pets.That’s awesome! Cheers on a happy relationship! :)
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
I have to be honest, this made my day
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.
I hate dating app culture… but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.
For me the apps just ain’t worth it so I got rid of them. There’s a whole sense of commodification abiut that that’s just awful and I find I’m happier without them.
That’s dating in general for most folks, apps or not. It takes a lot of time and investment and risk.
I am currently researching if being alone 90% of the time has any impact on the prospects of finding a partner.
After 37,5 years of constant research I have found a quite negative link between being alone and finding a partner
The best advice I can give you is to stop actively looking and just have fun. Join mountain biking groups, hop on Meetup and do fun things in your city or state, and make friends naturally. The healthiest relationships stem from natural friendships because you build up a base of stuff in common and have a lot of trust before you ever make the jump to “do you wanna go out with me?”
All else fails, you can join singles adventure clubs which also look quite fun. The best relationships I’ve had with men and women were from natural friendships. The most awkward and short ones were generally from dating apps or where they just didn’t have much in common with me.
I met my SO through playing 1,000 hours of a video game with them during the pandemic, constantly being on VC with them, then going on a really fun ski trip with them for about a week. I got to learn their habits, temperament, how they handle conflict, etc all over a long period of time. And a lot of my other friends matched in similar ways.
For what it’s worth, I notice now when people are kinda hoping to like…date or something vs just be friends. Their body language and behaviors are just ever so slightly different than those that just want to be friends. I think when you aren’t looking, people notice that you are more relaxed and don’t put up walls as much. Might be one reason why it’s easier to make friends as a kid, who knows, though.
The healthiest relationships stem from natural friendships because you build up a base of stuff in common and have a lot of trust before you ever make the jump to “do you wanna go out with me?”
See, that’s where I fucked up. My dumbass texted her at 12AM and asked if she wanted to hang out the next day (She’s usually up around that time, we both goto the gym around 11PM, which is why I thought it was okay). But we had only talked around 4-5 times, each conversation we had was good, but when it comes to texting, I fail miserably there. I think I just got too excited to meet her, and was a bit too forward. I completely messed up. Well, now I know not to do that again at least, lesson learned :(
It’s okay, that’s life! You have plenty of time to explore and make new friends. I really wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. You can probably text her at a reasonable hour with a different invite, and she might respond. I wouldn’t put too fine a point on making a date out of it, though. Just be friends for a bit first, no strings attached.
Plus…it’s kinda good to have mixed gender friends anyways, even if you aren’t dating. Gives you fresh perspectives and better advice. :D
Yeah, she’s gone lol, I mean I’m 20 and she was 29 with a 9 year old kid and that’s not really what I want in a relationship. But oh my god she was easily the most attractive girl I’ve ever talked to, both in terms of looks and personality.
You have to active look and have fun.
Men who don’t actively look don’t get anything. It’s part of the gender role stuff we’re all subject to. Men are expected to approach and initiate.
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I’ll get the ball rolling, as a married person myself. Just starting out with questions. First off, what drives the feeling of not wanting to meet someone at the gym, and second, what drives bar and Tinder only being artificial relationships?
It’s fine to meet someone at the gym, in fact it’s a good way to select for someone with an interest in fitness.
Going to the gym for the purpose of meeting someone means you’d be hitting on someone who’s trying to work out, which makes it easier to be an accidental creep.
yes that’s what I was hinting at for the OP. If you go thinking you are going to hit on women, that’s bad. If you go worried that you’ll be creepy, that’s a confidence issue. If you go and think hey, maybe tonight I’ll see someone, then that’s healthy
I’ve had my best luck when I didn’t try/wasn’t actively searching.
I hated hearing that when I was single but it seems true.
I think sometimes the smell of desperation comes off even if you don’t feel desperate and it scares people off. Whereas if you’re not looking and happen to meet someone, it’s natural and there is no desperation because you’re doing you.
Not to say you can’t still swipe on Tinder, etc.; just put more effort into doing things you enjoy and the rest comes naturally. Take pictures of yourself doing those things you enjoy to share on your dating profiles which helps in this search too. Since you want something long term, you need some common ground and hobbies/common interests are perfect for that.
If you’re into reading and post about books you’ve read, you’ll meet someone who strikes up a conversation about reading the same book. Sort of like that, is what I’m getting at.
Good luck!
38 and I still hate hearing that. I think the people that believe this just got lucky and have some survivorship bias or something.
If you’re a guy you have to do something. Women will not just walk into your life, you have to actively try to find someone. If you don’t have a circle of friends it’s exponentially more difficult (see recent man vs bear in the woods conversations) as women want absolutely nothing to do with a “strange” man (as in a stranger).
Online dating is for young people (low 20s) successful people (wealthy travelers) and the very very attractive. If you’re a “typical” guy the experience is soul crushing.
100%
Plus a lot of very attractive people who get lots of attention have zero clue what it’s like to be an average person who gets little to none. And they all think they ‘are just average’. Or that other people should just ‘make more of an effort’. Wealth has a lot to do with it too. Ask a welathy person for dating advice and they will just tell you go out and drop five figures out the latest fashionable designer outfits… which isn’t viable for the person of an average wealth who is only spending like a grand or two a year on clothing.
Things are privileges because you don’t know you have them. And pretty people are clueless about how they are treated and assume everyone else gets their level of interest.
Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.
No wait
