You are under no obligation to answer the phone.

I’m just gonna drop a link to Captain Awkward’s “families” tag here, there’s like a 99% chance she’s answered a question similar enough to yours to be helpful.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I haven’t had any experience like this besides having an alcoholic sister.

But I’d just suggest that you need to try to come to terms with the fact that your pop seems like an asshole. This is all speculation. I bet he convinced you to stay with him as a way to hurt your mom. You as a person were not important to him, but he wanted to use you. So when you turned 18, he didn’t want to deal with you anymore because it cost him more than he got out of it.

You can’t do anything to change him, you can just work on you. For me with my sister, I just sort of accepted that she is who she is and I’ll never have the relationship I wanted with her. I don’t go out my way to avoid her, but I certainly don’t really ever try to interact with her. It has worked, but the relationship between siblings is less important I think than a parent child relationship.

Maybe therapy could help? Or read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if that fits your dad.

My advice is to stop trying to be pleasant in every interaction with him. That is fake and interacting with fake people is indeed exhausting.

Based only on what you wrote, my advice is to commit to developing authenticity rather than pleasantness.

The fact is you have reason to be upset with him. If you haven’t expressed that upset, you’re being fake.

Don’t let him round your kids. He treated you terribly and hasn’t changed, you shouldn’t expose your children to someone like that. It doesn’t matter if he’s your dad.

I relate to this. My father isn’t as openly hostile as yours sounds, but he’s a narcissist. One year, he decided he was to busy to visit my kids, his grandkids. He’s retired.

For me, there is an emotional tug that will always be there, not for him, but for a father that loves me. Rationally, I remind myself of why I haven’t talked to him in 5 years. It’s gotten easier over time, but it still flares up occasionally.

Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it.

That’s the neat thing, you don’t.

You deserve to speak your mind. The idea you must endure abuse from even those who created you is false. Don’t ask “how do I cope”, ask “how do I assert”. There is a difference between rightful treatment from those you owe yourself to versus treatment from those people which run counterintuitive to being able to claim parenthood as justification.

What’s going to happen if your children one day ask why he treats you this way? Is this good for them?

It doesn’t sound like a you problem. Sounds like a problem with him. As such the agency to fix the problem lies with him.

Move on and forget about him.

My dad was abusive, and after reflecting on it for a while I ended up cutting off all contact 10 years ago. Best decision I ever made.

I have a mother who used to act like she hated me a significant amount of time until a few years ago. I have a father who does not think I am that important. I used to think both of my parents hate me, or did not love me at least. I now have a more nuanced view of that. They are just people who are very damaged and almost handicapped in certain aspects. In any case, I think I might be able to understand your situation at least a little bit.

For me the most difficult part was not deciding whether to keep in touch with them or not. I mean, that is a very difficult decision and if your father is still hurting you, you should protect yourself. However, for me the most difficult thing is dealing with the damage.

I am not sure if this damaged you in the same way it damaged me. But if it did, I want to tell you that it is not your fault. Your father acting like he hates you is not because of anything you did and certainly not because of who you are. It is because of who he is.

A lot of children who are not loved or who are even hated by their parents think it is their fault. They think something is wrong with them and they deserve it. I mean, that makes sense, right? If it is your fault, then at least the world still is a fair place. And if something happens to a bad person you do not need to be compassionate, so you do not have to deal with any pain you are too little to be able to deal with. Also, you depend on your parents, so you cannot get too mad at them or leave. From the logic of a child, this makes sense.

And it works, it helps you survive. But once you get older, you keep thinking in the same way. You have a very low opinion of yourself and feel like there is something wrong with you or as if you are worthless. And to keep living in this way is familiar, you know you can survive that. You do not know whether you can survive the pain you suppressed all those years. Or it might still be so suppressed that you cannot even feel it. Until one day, it becomes too much and you start thinking that you might want a different life. You might not just want to survive, but actually live.

You do not discuss your mother. If you have a mother that was able to show you love, that might have had a protective effect. I hope so. But if you recognise this story in any way at all. I think it is import for you to know that it is not about accepting that your father hates you. It is about accepting that you are someone that did not deserve this. And that is very painful, but going through the pain of it, is the only way not to feel that anymore. It will free you from it and enable you to live more than survive.

It is a very difficult thing to do. I myself have not yet been able to go through the pain fully. It often feels too overwhelming, too much. However, after each small step I make, I already feel a little bit more free. I really think this is the way to cope with it. At least for me. It might help you as well maybe if you have similar feelings.

Edit to say that therapy can help a lot with this process. Others have said this as well, but I agree with them.

I’ve got a “father figure” who I’m not on speaking terms with. I’m in my early 30s. I am also a father. I have also tried to keep the door open and have been punished for it.

This is the part where I give you advice, but I don’t really have any. You’re not alone. Our generation had a large shift away from believing that respecting your parents meant that you had to do everything they said. Some people simply don’t comprehend that respect must be earned. I will make sure that I deserve the respect of my child.